Not Communicating Well

I feel like I'm not communicating well lately. Like everything in my mind is so thought out and well formed and yet, when I say it, the words come out shadowed with subtleties and implications, darkened by uncertainty, tainted. It's like my mouth is intentionally twisting things, leaving them open to interpretation, rather than directly saying what was intended. So, I find myself being misunderstood.

Those are not my words. I don't remember where I got them but I was amazed at how accurately they described how I often feel.

Regrets

I messed up. I made poor choices and it affected my kids. It was a long time ago but you know how sometimes you just can't seem to get beyond something and it goes round and round and you are hard on yourself but you keep trying to get past it but it has become a part of you and it affects your life and your relationships and you want to make it stop but you can't because it keeps popping up just when you think you can beat it and move on and intellectually you know it's up to you and no one else can do it for you and so you keep trying and just when you think you might be getting there you get slapped in the face and you come right back to where you always end up only now you start to feel sorry for yourself which is somehow better than the guilt because now there's nothing you can do and it's not your fault and you can just be sad which keeps you out of the game until you get mad and self righteous and end up doing and saying things that you don't mean and before you know it the guilt sets back in. 

That sounds like 'poor me' or so I've been told. I'm supposed to 'get over it'. How do you get beyond guilt and regret that becomes so much a part of you that you allow and even expect to be treated with disrespect and coldness. They say that you do the best you can with what you know and that when you know better you will do better. Intellectually I think I did the best I could with what I had to deal with at the time. Emotionally I have a deep sadness that creeps into every aspect of my life. There is no value in having someone forgive you if you can't forgive yourself. I know I have to do that. Intellectually.