The Good The Bad and the Ugly

1. Every day I think about and miss my Dad; he died of lung cancer in 1998
2. In my family I am the one that 'will always be ok'
3. I like some country music but I grew up on rock and roll and still prefer it
4. We have two dogs but we are not very good dog parents (they are well cared for but we don't take them for walks)
5. If you like me I feel likeable
6. If you don't like me I feel un-likeable
7. My Mom had a nervous breakdown when I was about 5 and one morning she made sure we got to school and/or the babysitters and then started driving and did not stop for 10 hours
8. I don't harbour any anger or resentment about this, I don't remember and I know she was doing the best she could with what she knew
9. I'm not a clean freak but I don't like clutter
10. When I was 21 I had my first child, 21 months later I had my second child
11. As a child I had some money to buy Christmas presents and I was running short and bought my Dad a deck of cards; I was very sure on Christmas morning that he did not like his present
12. I have 2 sisters and 3 brothers
13. I am the second oldest
14. I am an aggressive and fast driver; one day I got two highway speeding tickets from the same cop...
15. Recently I have made a point to not follow too closely
16. When my daughter began to drive I realized I hadn't toned down my driving soon enough
17. I have driven 'under the influence' and that makes me like everyone else except I had my kids in the car
18. I am deeply ashamed of that
19. In 1974 I was the second female to work at the Whitehorse Copper Mine; I was 18
20. On Deerfoot Trail I rear-ended a truck and after exchanging information I started the car and had the clutch to the floor and was digging in my purse; my car crept forward and I bumped into the truck
21. The couple in the truck looked at me like I was from another planet
22. My Mom is 75 and has COPD
23. Even with the family history that I have I struggled on and off with smoking for years but I am now a non smoker
24. I worry way too much and take myself too seriously
25. I am an introvert; shy around new people or people who intimidate me
26. When I was a teenager and in my early twenties I could / would not say I love you to anyone in my family
27. I really like my job
28. Other people think that I am confident and capable which I can be but I can be very fragile and emotional
29. I did not get a babysitter for my kids until they were nine or ten; only Gramma's would do
30. I like 'real' people and dislike pretentious people
31. I cry at commercials and other silly things
32. I hate brussel sprouts
33. The best snack of all time is popcorn with lots of butter and salt
34. I am allergic to perfumes
35. When I'm cold in the winter I love to have a bath but I always make the water really hot and then I can't stay in for more than 15 minutes
36. I prefer to drive a big truck than a car
37. My greatest fear is to lose a child
38. The best and most important thing that I've done in life is have my children
39. Often I don't know how to relax
40. I hate romance novels
50. I love comedies and thrillers; I used to like horror movies but now they scare me
51. I fantasize about going on a cross country vacation on a motorcycle
52. I haven't gone camping since just before my kids started school; that would be 24+ years ago
53. If I won a million dollars I would take my kids and their families on a vacation and give them a down payment on a house
54. Then I would go to a retreat for me
55. I suck at political discussions, probably because I don't like politics
56. I worry too much about what others think and imagine that I know what they think
57. When I was a teenager I wanted to be a social worker or a psychologist
58. My husband is very supportive
59. I love photography and I'm ok at it
60. Every year I think my Mom won't make it to the next Christmas
61. When I was 20 I got my motorcycle learners licence
62. Sometimes I am too sensitive and emotional and I over react
63. I like it when everyone around me gets along
64. I tend to disappear in a crowd
65. My kids have very different but excellent people skills
66. Recently I began to realize that I am getting older
67. I'm not really liking that although it is better than the alternative
68. When it comes to other people's situations I am wise
69. For six months I lived in a shack tent when I was 17 - in the coldest months in Whitehorse
70. I've lived in six provinces and Barbados
71. I don't like to let anyone see me cry
73. I don't think I'm totally honest even in this venue, I'm afraid of the written word, saying something in writing that you can't take back or that will be taken the wrong way; I'm afraid of rejection or being misunderstood
74. I miss my cats and feel terrible about having to give them away and not knowing what happened to them
75. The older I get the older I want to get
76. One of my pet peaves is when slow drivers stay in the fast lane
77. I am proud of my daughter for her passion for parenting, her drive, her creativity, and the parenting choices she's made
78. I am strong
79. I am proud of my son for finding what he loves to do and is good at
80. My grandchildren are beautiful
81. I believe that what goes around comes around and there are no truer words than 'everything is relative'
82. I don't have a mean bone in my body
83. I fall in and out of love on a regular basis
84. Choosing happiness is something I sometimes forget to do and I am afraid that if I am too happy and take the good for granted, something bad will happen
85. I am learning to step back, let go, and not react, albeit slowly
86. My greatest wish is for my kids to get along and to love and appreciate their differences
87. I am friends with my ex husband
88. I over compensate to make up for past wrongs and poor choices
89. I believe the best thing you can do for your adult children is to be happy in your life
90. In your teens life is forever, in your 20's anything is possible, in your 30's you question the choices you've made, in 40's you begin to grasp who you are and what you want, in your 50's you start to reflect on how short life really is
91. I sing really well in my car
92. I had to declare bankruptcy and was not able to pay my Mom and Dad the $30,000 they loaned me for a business deal that went bad; they never said anything
93. I wish this go around was the dress rehearsal so that I could do it right next time
94. In grade 7 and 8 there was a girl named Kathy that I hated and I thought about ways I could kill her
95. I believe in God but I don't like to go to church
96. When I was 16 I ran away for a week; I left a note on my parents dresser that said it was about me and not their fault
97. I was totally infatuated with Bruce and thought he was the love of my life; two months after I turned 17 I quit school and moved to Vancouver with him and his friend Paul
98. I married Paul when I was 19
99. One of my earliest memories is standing in the living room with my face pressed to the window, wondering when my Mom and Dad were going to get home.
100. I was raised to never think that I am better than anyone else

The Feeling Soul

The past few weeks have been particularly difficult leaving me feeling quite depressed. While at the bookstore to get gifts for my daughters birthday I happened along this book written by Mark Linden O'Meara, 'The Feeling Soul'. I bought it after reading the first paragraph in the introduction:

Quote: In our quest to heal from troubles many of us have heard that we should 'move on and let go.' Although the advice seems appropriate, many of us do not know how to let go. In some way we feel stuck, knowing what we want, but unsure how to proceed or what even the true problem might be. Although you may have an intuitive sense of yourself that is untouched by hurt, trauma and fear, you are unsure of how to achieve this sense on a daily basis. You somehow hope that you can rediscover a sense of childlike joy in adult living. Many of you have been hurt and are surviving yet there seems to be something missing in your life.

It's hard for me to express myself. While I've experienced hurt and trauma I think what I most need to 'get over' is that I inflicted hurt and trauma by some of the choices I made. I want to learn how to take and accept responsibility for the past and be mindful of it but to live in the present.

Another paragraph in the book was: There is an Irish proverb that says 'You don't plow a field by turning it over in your mind.' While some evaluation is necessary, too much rumination can lead you into a spiral of self-absorption rather than being able to see the world around you.' I live in the past and it keeps me from everything. To heal my relationships I have to heal myself.