I could not say it better:
http://www.cbc.ca/news/viewpoint/vp_lang/20070705.html
Being grandma is easy, but getting along with adult children requires a plan
One of my grandmothers used to say, "Life is just a series of adjustments." She said this often, while sitting in her Queen Anne chair, drumming her fingers impatiently on the chair's arm, gazing purposefully out the lacy-curtained window, as if she could make some sense out of life if she looked longer.
For many years, she was the "grandmother." Stories hinting at a young life, a young girl, a bride, a young adult, required much imagination from my point of view. All I'd ever seen was a white-haired, older woman, built like pillows stacked on a comfortable couch.
She died. Time passed. I got busy having children of my own, as did my brothers. It was my mother's turn to be the grandmother. She didn't want to be called "grandma," and instructed my children to call her "Grammy," which they did. And so, the children grew, my mother was their grandmother, and I was "mom."
This equation was fine with me. I was not "old," my mother was. It was not her job to raise my children, it was mine. We all did our best.
The usual story.
But everything is always changing. My granddaughter, who until recently liked to slowly amble along while inspecting everything, and saying to me, "Gamma, keep going," now runs everywhere, and yells back at me, "Grandma! Hurry up!"
Which brings me to the present subject. Much to my amazement, I have grandchildren. As everyone has been telling me for years, being a grandma is way more fun than being a mom.
I fall hopelessly in love with all my grandchildren. It is easy. I love being a grandma. That is easy too.
What I have found more challenging is adjusting to my adult children. As it turns out, all those parenting muscles I took so long to develop are now mostly out of date, as are a lot of my perceptions. As for memories? Well, quite a few of them are better forgotten.
This is not easy.
As far as I’m concerned, the adolescence and the childhood of all my kids was like yesterday. My memories are both acute, and accurate, according to me. Only an eye-blink ago, they were teenagers, and I remember all of their youthful escapades clearly, from my point of view, whereas they either don't remember anything, or have a completely different "take" on events. Further, they can remember things they think I did, that do not show up on my mental radar screen at all.
This sort of thing is what makes family dynamics so dynamic. We shed, store and rewrite memories constantly, according to our own needs and inclinations, without necessarily being aware to what extent we do this.
Furthermore, while I used to think it was my job as a parent to "direct traffic" to some extent concerning where they went, with whom, to do what (etc.), now it's basically none of my business, not that they need help anyway. And while I used to think my "advice" was invaluable to them (I still think this), now they either don't need it, or don't appreciate it necessarily. And this is as it should be. I was trying to raise independent children, and succeeded.
So the task for parents of adult children, I've found, is to relearn how to see our "children," and adjust to who they are now, as opposed to what they might have been as they were growing up.
As a teacher in a fairly small town, I often bump into former students, now grown up. It's often such a pleasant shock to see people I remember (like yesterday) as sullen, shifty-eyed, hormone-addled teenagers, who have transformed into pleasant, clear-eyed, mature adults complete with jobs, mates, children, lives of their own. Poof! There goes the image of the kid, replaced by the picture of a lovely adult.
With our own children, alas, this adjustment might not be so easy to make. But it must be made. All parents must make this transition from protector-guide-encourager-instructor (or whatever set of descriptors you fancy) to fellow adult. And while we're busy trying to do this, the muscles we exercise with our grandchildren aren't the same ones we used for our children either.
Millions of us are at this peculiar point in life. Our former "parenting" muscles are out of date. The time to switch gears creeps up on us, usually just shortly after we think we've finally mastered the fine art of parenting.
With regards to our children, who are no longer children, we must:
- offer to help out instead of expecting to be helped
- say nothing when really we could say a lot
- be the guest for Thanksgiving dinner instead of the host
- eat everything on our plates even if we don’t know what it is
- suspend all judgment regarding tattoos, metal, "clothes," or hair.
- store boxes of their left-behind items in the basement, instead of picking them off the floor all the time
- let their mates fuss over them more than we would normally at their birthdays
- send them infrequent postcards when we go away, and not worry about what they're doing while we're gone
- follow their orders when we babysit their kids
- never tell their children what they were like as kids, unless it's nice.
As for the difference between being a parent and a grandparent, well that's easy. Have all the fun with the grandchildren you can, and when they're crabby, wet, smelly, or vomiting, hand them back to their parents.
And run.
(what the hell is a playdate anyway...)
Sometimes it seems to be about me and then I realize it isn't about me at all. But oh boy while I'm thinking it's about me it makes me so sad. When I realize it isn't about me at all it makes me sadder. I don't know what to do. The dream is gone and I can accept that. The joy is gone. I can't accept that. I think it's over there somewhere with my power having the last laugh. I really can't do this much longer.
Dear God. Please let Randy get the job that is right for him so that he is happy to stay here and work and live near family. Please keep my grandchildren close so that when they look back at their lives they remember and know we were there and we loved them. It is okay if they don't pay attention or seem to notice, they will eventually realize they were fortunate to have the extended family there. It is a privilege to be in their lives and I am so thankful for the possibility.
For H's 30th birthday I put together a collage of pictures from birth to current. For the last two weeks while off on vacation I decided to do the same with pictures of J. I have a spot on the wall in my main hallway for both pictures. Anyway, tonight I did the collage of J and going thru all of my pictures brought back so many memories and of course, tears. There has been so much love. I've talked about the pain, the sorrow, the regret, but not so much about the love. And there has been an abundance of love. Going back from 1977 right thru to 2008 I see a lot of laughter and family and life. I'm just saying there was a lot of real, normal, every day, good.
I have never known how to approach you about the divorce and the years following. I did not know how to ask for forgiveness. I am asking now. I did not know how to apologize. I offer you now my sincere apology for hurting you and for the years in between then and now that have been wraught with hurt and pain beneath the surface. You are my greatest love, my inspiration. You deserve happiness and peace. I want to listen, I want you to know that I hear you, that I care, that you fill my heart and my soul.
1. Every day I think about and miss my Dad; he died of lung cancer in 1998
2. In my family I am the one that 'will always be ok'
3. I like some country music but I grew up on rock and roll and still prefer it
4. We have two dogs but we are not very good dog parents (they are well cared for but we don't take them for walks)
5. If you like me I feel likeable
6. If you don't like me I feel un-likeable
7. My Mom had a nervous breakdown when I was about 5 and one morning she made sure we got to school and/or the babysitters and then started driving and did not stop for 10 hours
8. I don't harbour any anger or resentment about this, I don't remember and I know she was doing the best she could with what she knew
9. I'm not a clean freak but I don't like clutter
10. When I was 21 I had my first child, 21 months later I had my second child
11. As a child I had some money to buy Christmas presents and I was running short and bought my Dad a deck of cards; I was very sure on Christmas morning that he did not like his present
12. I have 2 sisters and 3 brothers
13. I am the second oldest
14. I am an aggressive and fast driver; one day I got two highway speeding tickets from the same cop...
15. Recently I have made a point to not follow too closely
16. When my daughter began to drive I realized I hadn't toned down my driving soon enough
17. I have driven 'under the influence' and that makes me like everyone else except I had my kids in the car
18. I am deeply ashamed of that
19. In 1974 I was the second female to work at the Whitehorse Copper Mine; I was 18
20. On Deerfoot Trail I rear-ended a truck and after exchanging information I started the car and had the clutch to the floor and was digging in my purse; my car crept forward and I bumped into the truck
21. The couple in the truck looked at me like I was from another planet
22. My Mom is 75 and has COPD
23. Even with the family history that I have I struggled on and off with smoking for years but I am now a non smoker
24. I worry way too much and take myself too seriously
25. I am an introvert; shy around new people or people who intimidate me
26. When I was a teenager and in my early twenties I could / would not say I love you to anyone in my family
27. I really like my job
28. Other people think that I am confident and capable which I can be but I can be very fragile and emotional
29. I did not get a babysitter for my kids until they were nine or ten; only Gramma's would do
30. I like 'real' people and dislike pretentious people
31. I cry at commercials and other silly things
32. I hate brussel sprouts
33. The best snack of all time is popcorn with lots of butter and salt
34. I am allergic to perfumes
35. When I'm cold in the winter I love to have a bath but I always make the water really hot and then I can't stay in for more than 15 minutes
36. I prefer to drive a big truck than a car
37. My greatest fear is to lose a child
38. The best and most important thing that I've done in life is have my children
39. Often I don't know how to relax
40. I hate romance novels
50. I love comedies and thrillers; I used to like horror movies but now they scare me
51. I fantasize about going on a cross country vacation on a motorcycle
52. I haven't gone camping since just before my kids started school; that would be 24+ years ago
53. If I won a million dollars I would take my kids and their families on a vacation and give them a down payment on a house
54. Then I would go to a retreat for me
55. I suck at political discussions, probably because I don't like politics
56. I worry too much about what others think and imagine that I know what they think
57. When I was a teenager I wanted to be a social worker or a psychologist
58. My husband is very supportive
59. I love photography and I'm ok at it
60. Every year I think my Mom won't make it to the next Christmas
61. When I was 20 I got my motorcycle learners licence
62. Sometimes I am too sensitive and emotional and I over react
63. I like it when everyone around me gets along
64. I tend to disappear in a crowd
65. My kids have very different but excellent people skills
66. Recently I began to realize that I am getting older
67. I'm not really liking that although it is better than the alternative
68. When it comes to other people's situations I am wise
69. For six months I lived in a shack tent when I was 17 - in the coldest months in Whitehorse
70. I've lived in six provinces and Barbados
71. I don't like to let anyone see me cry
73. I don't think I'm totally honest even in this venue, I'm afraid of the written word, saying something in writing that you can't take back or that will be taken the wrong way; I'm afraid of rejection or being misunderstood
74. I miss my cats and feel terrible about having to give them away and not knowing what happened to them
75. The older I get the older I want to get
76. One of my pet peaves is when slow drivers stay in the fast lane
77. I am proud of my daughter for her passion for parenting, her drive, her creativity, and the parenting choices she's made
78. I am strong
79. I am proud of my son for finding what he loves to do and is good at
80. My grandchildren are beautiful
81. I believe that what goes around comes around and there are no truer words than 'everything is relative'
82. I don't have a mean bone in my body
83. I fall in and out of love on a regular basis
84. Choosing happiness is something I sometimes forget to do and I am afraid that if I am too happy and take the good for granted, something bad will happen
85. I am learning to step back, let go, and not react, albeit slowly
86. My greatest wish is for my kids to get along and to love and appreciate their differences
87. I am friends with my ex husband
88. I over compensate to make up for past wrongs and poor choices
89. I believe the best thing you can do for your adult children is to be happy in your life
90. In your teens life is forever, in your 20's anything is possible, in your 30's you question the choices you've made, in 40's you begin to grasp who you are and what you want, in your 50's you start to reflect on how short life really is
91. I sing really well in my car
92. I had to declare bankruptcy and was not able to pay my Mom and Dad the $30,000 they loaned me for a business deal that went bad; they never said anything
93. I wish this go around was the dress rehearsal so that I could do it right next time
94. In grade 7 and 8 there was a girl named Kathy that I hated and I thought about ways I could kill her
95. I believe in God but I don't like to go to church
96. When I was 16 I ran away for a week; I left a note on my parents dresser that said it was about me and not their fault
97. I was totally infatuated with Bruce and thought he was the love of my life; two months after I turned 17 I quit school and moved to Vancouver with him and his friend Paul
98. I married Paul when I was 19
99. One of my earliest memories is standing in the living room with my face pressed to the window, wondering when my Mom and Dad were going to get home.
100. I was raised to never think that I am better than anyone else
