coming down off the pedestal

I'm going to look after you the way you looked after Gramma. Hearing those words (reading the text, actually) reminded me again of the perception that everyone has. What an awesome daughter I was, how lucky my Mom was, how fortunate she was to have me. I'm being portrayed as a saint, someone who put herself last and gave so much of herself.

The truth is that as much as I loved my Mom, and love her I did, I was impatient and short with her, often irritated with her shortcomings, and frustrated with being her caretaker. In the last five years of her life I was on a short fuse that cost me my marriage, my relationship with my siblings, and my own self respect. I was angry and felt sorry for myself. I felt as though everyone else was living their life and I had no control over mine. It was like one day my life is in front of me and the next I couldn't see any life. I couldn't leave and I didn't want to stay. I wanted everyone else to do their share but I was compelled to do more than mine. I was angry with her for having smoked and the first to defend her for smoking at a time when no one knew any better. As she aged she seemed to get more insecure and cry about her childhood and I admonished her for reliving the past, asked her why couldn't she just be happy. If she could be happy then I wouldn't have to be responsible for her happiness. I didn't realize the digression to her past and her sadness was the dementia creeping in. I can't imagine what it would be like to have lost eleven siblings, their spouses, your parents, your husband, and one child. And I remember thinking, I want my Mom back. As though it was all about me.

They say the hardest part of being put on a pedestal is falling off. For me, the hardest part is being there at all. The right thing to do is to climb down and to forgive myself for being the imperfect daughter that I was. I know she had. I loved her so much and every day I told her that. But I wish that I had been more patient, loving, and kind. I lost track of what life should be about not the least of which is the joy of giving back and who better to give back to. Doing my part in looking after Mom was part of the journey, not the obstacle I sometimes felt it was. If I could turn back time I would ask her questions and then I would sit back and listen. And even now if I listen hard enough, I can hear her say, it's going to be okay.