I spend so much of my life second guessing myself in everything I do. I don't know what I am so afraid of. Actually, that's not true. I'm afraid of rejection. Of being abandoned.
My post about drinking is a perfect example. I want to be honest. I want to acknowledge my faults and choices and mistakes and stop the endless cycle of guilt and self doubt that is my life. I recognize there is a distance in my family and I want to make it better. I can't fix what I don't acknowledge.
To write about any part of my life is risky. I risk being judged. Because to be judged is to risk abandonment and rejection. But I do it and then I think about it and go back and read it and start to think (code for second guessing myself). Did I start drinking exactly the first night I moved out? Probably not but it certainly was around that time. Did I drink every night? Well, no. But probably most nights. Maybe four out of seven. Did I drink for nine years? Why not seven or ten, where did I come up with nine? Did I drive drunk a lot with my kids in the car. No, probably a handful of times but then once is too often.
And then I realize I am having this conversation with myself and it's all semantics. It doesn't matter if it was seven years or nine. It doesn't matter if it was every night or every other night. What matters is that my behaviour and choices caused pain. Period.
To my children,
I am sorry that I made poor choices and put you in harms way and that I was not 'plugged in' at a time when you needed me to be.
It was wrong.
In the future I will do better. I will do more listening and be less defensive. I will be open and honest with you. I will endeavour to 'get over myself' and move on and be a better person. I will love you.
Will you forgive me?
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