As I write this I acknowledge
to myself that having lived my life introverted and emotionally
controlled, putting this out there is a risky proposition. The emotion
and feelings have always been there but showing the world anything other
than the strong, confident me has always been difficult. Historically I
have internalized emotional pain and found it difficult to share or let
anyone too close. Six years ago I wrote something that would probably
surprise some of my family and most of my friends:
"I messed up. I made poor choices and it affected my kids. It was a long time ago but you know how sometimes you just can't seem to get beyond something and it goes round and round and you are hard on yourself but you keep trying to get past it but it has become a part of you and it affects your life and your relationships and you want to make it stop but you can't because it keeps popping up just when you think you can beat it and move on and intellectually you know it's up to you and no one else can do it for you and so you keep trying and just when you think you might be getting there you get slapped in the face and you come right back to where you always end up only now you start to feel sorry for yourself which is somehow better than the guilt because now there's nothing you can do and it's not your fault and you can just be sad which keeps you out of the game until you get mad and self righteous and end up doing and saying things that you don't mean and before you know it the guilt sets back in."
Today I honour my Mom and my children. From my Mom I inherited the strength (but also the control). To this day my Mom can cry when she thinks back to her childhood and the hunger, violence, and shame. She still feels insecure, controls her emotions, but cries easily. Yet she has a strength that has carried her through the death of her parents, all of her siblings, her husband, and a child.
From my children I learned to give love freely and unconditionally. They have taught me much more I think, than I have taught them, and I continue to learn from them. I honour them for breaking free, for gaining the strength but also the ability to be in the world on their own terms, sharing their feelings, thoughts, emotions, and beliefs. For showing their children (current and future) that it is not only okay to put yourself out there, it is emotionally healthy. And I thank them for loving me, the good and the bad.
"I messed up. I made poor choices and it affected my kids. It was a long time ago but you know how sometimes you just can't seem to get beyond something and it goes round and round and you are hard on yourself but you keep trying to get past it but it has become a part of you and it affects your life and your relationships and you want to make it stop but you can't because it keeps popping up just when you think you can beat it and move on and intellectually you know it's up to you and no one else can do it for you and so you keep trying and just when you think you might be getting there you get slapped in the face and you come right back to where you always end up only now you start to feel sorry for yourself which is somehow better than the guilt because now there's nothing you can do and it's not your fault and you can just be sad which keeps you out of the game until you get mad and self righteous and end up doing and saying things that you don't mean and before you know it the guilt sets back in."
Today I honour my Mom and my children. From my Mom I inherited the strength (but also the control). To this day my Mom can cry when she thinks back to her childhood and the hunger, violence, and shame. She still feels insecure, controls her emotions, but cries easily. Yet she has a strength that has carried her through the death of her parents, all of her siblings, her husband, and a child.
From my children I learned to give love freely and unconditionally. They have taught me much more I think, than I have taught them, and I continue to learn from them. I honour them for breaking free, for gaining the strength but also the ability to be in the world on their own terms, sharing their feelings, thoughts, emotions, and beliefs. For showing their children (current and future) that it is not only okay to put yourself out there, it is emotionally healthy. And I thank them for loving me, the good and the bad.
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